BaconxloveR

It's been a while. :)
Ok. So Live Journal is not exactly the SHIT, but it's okay. If it weren't for my meditation time last night, I wouldn't be posting an entry in here. I came back to K-town yesterday, with KC. Some things didn't quite go as expected this weekend, but meh, couldn't ask for more really.I got a new camera. According to dad (who wrote me a really wonderful letter for my birthday...i wanted to crý), it's the latest model in the market. I could tell, because all I could (and so far can) do is take pictures and record. It's too much for me, to be honest. I was quite happy with the camera I already had, but to have different time zones settings on a camera, and being able to program the stuff just by touching the screen? I freaked out. I'm still freaking out every time I touch a button. I know, it's fun.
Not only did he give me that, he also gave me my passport. It's a... "family tradition" to let go off your kids once they turn 18. In this case, he's not ready to do that, but he's ready to let go off the only tool he has to control my soberness. It goes without saying, I won't abuse my so called freedom as much as I would have in the past. Hell, I think I had if anything, MORE freedom in the past..but whatever. I'm happy about how things have turned out to be, and as much as I have contradicted myself before, I believe I don't regret any of the things I've done, because they've made me who I am today (overused sentence but you get my point). One of the biggest things in life that has had a BIG effect on me, is friendship. I've gained friends, and I've lost some. For what it's worth to the ones I've lost, especially those whose bitterness towards me is still there, I'm sorry. This is probably the last time I say it because I've said too many times it's not even funny anymore. But...life's tough, you know. It has its ups and downs, we all know that. Right now, my life is quite steady. It's not perfect like some of you think it is, or like some of you think I see it as. But yadda yadda yadda..enough of that stuff.
Next weekend will be quite peaceful. No parents, no siblings. Just friends. Noah has been working his brains out last week, and he probably will this week too, so I won't see him until the weekend. Which, of course, sucks ass because I really miss him despite of the misunderstanding we had this weekend. I hung up on him 5 TIMES, because I was saving phone numbers. He got really upset, I bitched at him for getting upset, etc. It was all a joke though. But it still pisses me off a little. meh. But, despite all that...despite the fights in general (yes people, we have fights too!), when we get along, oh do we get along. Constant flirting, laughter, cuddling, hugging, kissing, teasing, wrestling...I think I'm starting to fall for this guy. Last night, during my meditation time, I was tired. No. Exhausted. Being exhausted is like being drunk, but there's no alcohol in my system, just the side effects. I may have said to a certain someone that I am IN love with Noah, but it's hard to tell. What still holds me back a little is the fear of getting hurt again, and trying to find a flaw bad enough to have me break up with him. Like a "Boysen" flaw. But he's nothing like Will. He has changed for the better, and now I'm not the only one seeing it. The one person I would love to hear this from, would be Harry. But we all know what he's going through so yeah. Other than him, there are times when people say, "If Hannah's in, then it's true" and she's kind of in. She told me she had a "talk" with him and she thinks he's trying, to keep the good work and THEN see if it's really true. It's really hard to convince Hannah when it comes to people. Up till this day, no one has been able to convince her that you can trust certain people. And by certain I mean more than one; other than your best friend. She trusts me. And I trust her. But apart from each other, no one really knows if she completely trust anybody else. I know of a couple of people she confides, but that doesn't necessarily mean she trusts them. Good thing is that she likes to figure out things, and people as well, on her own terms. If someone talks shit about someone else, she doesn't give two shits about it. She gets to know this someone else and once that's done, she can judge, like everyone else. Although she doesn't like judging people she doesn't know. That's probably one of the reasons why she's the quiet type. But lately, she's been quite talkative. When we were younger, she would only open her mouth to say something if it was absolutely necessary. Later on, she'd add certain jokes and comments. But now, I can see she's got a voice of her own. And that makes me happy in my stomach. I feel proud of having her as my best friend when people actually come up to me and prove my point of what a wonderful person this girl is.
As mentioned in my myspace and xanga, we will be travelling during my school break. She's taking a week off work to travel with me. Now that we've had more time to talk about it, she's having doubts about England, dunno why. Probably because of a certain someone and the circumstances at hand. I cannot say who because more than one person sees this, and I don't really know how official Hannah wants to make her feelings for this person. She doesn't like others interferring in her personal life, or in this case, her feelings. But trip...yeah. We are most likely going to Germany and we might go to Austria to see Nettie. France is a must, although I don't want to go to Paris because it brings me horrible memories. Going back to Normandie and having her meet Alice would be nice, but it's up to her. She wants to go to Italy and look around. When she tells me look around I know exactly what she wants, how she wants it, when and where. Italy should be fucking awesome. But...can't get my hopes up because she can also change her mind and decide to stay home all week, doing nothing like we used to. That is fine by me as long as I'm with her every step of the way.
School. It's alright. Not the greatest thing ever, but it's doable. Chemistry was fun today, although I didn't get half of what Mrs. Flint said but whatever. I have it on tape. :)

I am so confused... I wish I had the answers to everything. At least the things I feel. It'd be so much easier to leave things behind until the right time came, instead of bringing it up all at once. It bothers me more than it should, but I have feelings for two completely different people. I am together with one of them...but my love for him is not as big as his love is for me. And I hate that. I wish there was some other girl out there, who felt the same way about him, who could give him a better feeling. Because I know that soon, I'll be giving him the exact same feeling he gave me a year ago. As much as I wanted that last summer, I wouldn't want to now. He means a lot to me, and if I hurt him, I dunno what I would do to myself. Then there's my best friend... who despite all the fights we've had, despite the several countless ocassion where I've literally stepped on his heart, still wanted to be my friend. And during all that time, I wanted to be something else, but...it's complicated. Why? I dunno, I guess now I can admit the fact. I am afraid. Afraid that I might get too close to him, if anything were to ever happen, and then be thrown away. I'm afraid that if that happens, we might not be able to be friends again, because his friendship has been the best friendship I have ever had. I'm afraid that I might hurt him, when the time comes where I have to decide (actually I think that time is now) whether I want him..or him. I know I'll be hurting one of them, and that's what I hate the most. If I could make both of them happy at the same time, I would. I think I have for a while, but I know that eventually, it is not enough. I promised myself I wouldn't shed another tear for either of them again. Especially not for my best friend. And I am fighting that one miniscule tear from falling down my face right now more than anything. I'm afraid because if I leave this computer, if I leave this chair, I know exactly where I'll be going and I don't want that. I've sworn over all things on this Earth not to do that shit again. I just need something..someone...ANYONE..to please hold my hand.

Eh..
Life's good.
Not fabulous.
Not horrible.
Just good.
Sometimes you think you know..but then you don't. Or maybe they just make you believe you think you know, but at the end of the day, you know nothing. It is pretty sad, yet inevitable how someone can let you down..or no..how someone can change in such a short amount of time. And the worst thing is that you don't really know what caused that change. Whether it was you, or someone else (which would make things harder to handle), something has to cause it. And I don't know what. And I don't like not knowing what. And I'm afraid of asking what that something might be because sometimes, people can be pretty mean. I am a sensitive person, I have noticed. And lack of "touch" and carefully word picking can certainly emotionally hurt me. Then again, I used to shut myself to any risk of exterior harm when the real harm is taking place inside me.
On another subject, it's really hard for someone to know when to say something, if you're even "allowed" to say it. And it is even worse when you know what to say, but you know they don't want to hear it. Or when they know what you're going to say but they don't care. It is yet more hurtful that you wish and wish they could tell you what's bothering them, just like you tell them whenever something's bothering you. I guess it takes time for someone to open up to people. Some never actually do. What scares me about it is that you don't know if they will ever be able to open to YOU. What if they don't? Does that mean they don't trust you? Does that mean they just can't talk about it? I know some people would rather avoid trouble before bringing it up, but sometimes it is good to have it in the open. I want them to know that they can count on me any time. No matter how great my life may be, or how miserable I might feel at the time, I will always be, not just devoted to them, but thankful because they came to me. Because that means they trust me, right? And I trust them, that's why I tell them what's on my mind. I guess in the end, there's only one person you can trust. But it is really up to you who that person might be...right?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

3:26 PM
Category: Life


My weekend. What can I say? It was alright. The only thing I will mention about it are a)Hannah is in the hospital and we don't know for how long. There's a big chance she might not make it, say the docs. I personally think that's utter bullshit. She WILL make it. I know she will. and b)I studied my butt off with dad. Math mostly. We were going through Biology when I realised I was late. So we left that undone.

Tomorrow I start with the famous self examination.

Every wednesday now.

Monday was groovy. We started off with English, which was quite exciting. Then Math, it was alright. I'm getting better every day. NO French:] I went to the lunch room with Annica, Nathalie, Robin and Daniel, but I didn't eat. Lauren was there too. We went back to the main building and waited for Ann to be done with her German, and once she came out, we went to have lunch for real. It was good. The room was quite empty, but not that much. The fall out boys were sitting behind me, staring at us because we were laughing all the time. I felt like turning around and saying "Laugh away, you idiots" but nah. Not worth it I thought. Then we had Biology and GUESS WHAT. Helena said she was going to LONDON, tomorrow(today) and wasn't going to be back until next week. That meant we didn't have any Biology after Monday. I was kind of disappointed because I wanted to work some more on diffusion and osmosis. History was alright. We finished watching "All Quiet on the western front". I drew Jenny:] she hated it because I "accidentaly" drew her ass a BIT too big>.> I drew a girl. Some girl, I have never seen but she was in my mind, so I drew her. And I was drawing through out the whole movie. Meh. I went home right after we finished watching the movie. And I got a letter from Jeremy:] He says he misses me and my chicken little attitude. I miss him too. He also says the Skateboarding Tournament is coming up soon. I saw it coming. He started bragging about the fact that HE was going to be there and I wasn't. HE was going to watch Boono be his fantastic, talented self, and I wasn't. HE was going to visit my old school, and I...I wasn't. ;_; UGH

Today was awesome.

Í didn't have any Chemistry cos we had had a lab last Tuesday, so now it was Group 2's turn. Math was alright, nothing special. But oh wait...yes, it WAS something. I was ahead of Nathalie with my paperwork this Monday. But today...today she got ahead of me. And I got pissed off because of it. Annica was having trouble with simultaneous equations while Daniel, "helping" her, was having a laugh. Robin came late because he forgot his lenses. hah. Ann is sick, so she wasn't in a good mood. But whatever, we did what we had to do. At the end of the class, we all stood up and sang HB to Maja cos it was her bday. Then we had Swedish. I was working on my novel and then I though hmm...maybe it should take place in..say...1943? And then I tried to come up with a car brand that was invented that year. I thought of Ford, but I wasn't satisfied. So I went to the closest computer and browsed around. And then I see the "You've got mail" on my hotmail account, so I check it out. It was from John. I didn't have time to reply, but I read it. Twice. Robin was sitting really close to me and wanted to read but of course I didn't let him. Then I found out, through Kimalie, that Will is in face, ALIVE. True? Yes. Very. I jumped because I couldn't believe it, but ya know, I had to eventually. After that, we didn't have anything else. Biology as mentioned above, was cancelled. English was cancelled because teacher had a meeting. We Were Free At Last. I did NOT have lunch in school though. I had lunch with Annica, Ann, Nathalie, Daniel and Robin in an italian restaurant:] It was DELICIOUS. And fun. Robin is always in a good mood and trying to make you smile, very much appreciated. Daniel and Nathalie would have been eating each other alive if it weren't for our presenceO.o After that, we went back to school and got our things from our lockers. I had to say bye to everyone as soon as we reached the main building because I felt like throwing up and I knew that that would take a while until I was able to leave the bathroom. So I went to the lou and came outta there 15 mins later. I got a call from Harry 5 minutes later saying Hannah was sleeping soundly and feeling better every day. I was so fucking relieved when he said that. For a moment, when he said "She's sleeping soundly now" I had the thought. The moment. That maybe, Harry meant sleeping for good. But thank goodness, that wasn't the case. And hopefully won't be anytime soon.

So today is Thursday.

Music was alright. We've began with About a Girl-Nirvana.

French was okay. We watched a video about snow..basically.

Lunch was alright..

Math was good good good. I've been able to concentrate ever since uh..Monday? It's great, really. Nazdar and I had a little talk about life and its ways. Ann joined the conversation every now and then. Made me realise that...when Ann hears the word "outlaw" she thinks of medieval times. When I hear the word "outlaw" I think of cowboys. When Nazdar hears the word "outlaw" she thinks of gangs. Past, present and future!

History was alright. We watched a movie called...uh...yeah, we watched a movie about war :-)

Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow I'll be going out with Nick, the hot dog's man's son, who's really nice. And... I won the pool game, which means I get free hot dogs all week:]
nah...I ain't eating hot dogs for nothing. But I still won.

Umm.. I like Soil.:] You know, Breaking me Down? Yeah. Kicks. So this weekend will be a guitar free exception, man. Oh well. mother doesn't know that..I fixed her guitar...

Alexandria is pregnant. See what I mean? She waits a lifetime and a half to tell me about it. About her plans and stuff. But whatever. Good for her I guess. That meanss imma have a sister/brother soon. And who knows... a cousin as well. w00t

I spoke to Jeremy last night. They got home safe, bless. Boono is apparently being homesick of the freedom and parenthood free weekends over here. His loss^^
Jeremy on the other hand, is LOVING it in Brazil. Why? No idea, but seeing as he's getting old now... he probably has a few places to go to:]
w00ters

So I've pretty much given up on everything. and everyone. there's a piece of gratitude towards certain people, but since when has love saved humanity?
I've become a cold-hearted bitch. Especially towards a certain someone. And I'm sorry I truly am. But I don't think you understood what I meant when I said I can't open up to someone when I start having feelings for them. It's not friends love.
I know I said I would fight my problem with my family and stuff. I've come to two options. They can do whatever they want to do with me. take me to the states or paris or leave me here. OR...i can fight their authority and stay here..even if its for a short while until my heart stops beating, i'll spend my last summer with that person.
i couldnt help but crying just a little when i tried talking about it. but i warned you about it. i can't talk about it without crying.
school is going fine. but is it life? is it worth living for? does happiness depend on it? no. no and no. my soul wants to be in one place. canada. but i know that will never happen because i realised my mistakes too late.
i made a few hundred mistakes last weekend. mistakes i havent told anyone about. and i apologize to the two important people in my life for not sharing this with you but i've given up on life as it is. consider yourself free from my being.
i've been punished for caring. punished for loving and trying. and wanting a second chance to prove the world wrong from it's theory of "what she's made of"...let me be punished cos i dont give a damn anymore.

blah...
we
are..
done
with...
...
...
our history essay!
bitch..
yeah..
only big thing we've got left this week is uh..the biology test which:) hah...is going to be the bomb. it will be awesome. ya know why? cos...i'm gonna cheat(:
nah..maybe...
the day after tomorrow we're supposed to go skiing/snowboarding/whatever, and
i don't have a snowboard
i don't have nothing, fo'!
I guess...since she suggested it...that we should skip..cos..it's going to be boring with no snowboard, man.
ehm...i'm 'going out' with jeremy next week. we're supposed to go see hmm... he said we should go watch little chicken. haha. whatever suits best, i guess. ever since we were like..uh..12..we watched stupid movies together, so i'm making some space in my schedule to watch happy gilmore with the guy but he's booked for several hang outs.
suckSss
you know him..jeremy...the guy who went to england when i was 15?..

Okay..since I'm "high" on powerking, i shall post a special entry!
we had english today! it was...fun? nah..it was okay..nothing special. then we had..math..it was oh man..oh my. we were discussin probablilities. math ya know? and...bengt had the STUPID idea of making "dates" a probability problem. he said.. "what is the probability that you could meet mr..or miss perfect..if you go out ONCE?" and then he kept on talking about us having 0,05 chances to get some, and 0,95 not to. eventually, he included HIMSELF as one of the examples. and well..lauren and i HAD to laugh. And we werent the only ones either so..why not.
after math we had french. we listened to a french song called "tous les garcons et les filles" or something..and we had to translate it and understand it. it was both fun and pathetic. it was about a guy..im guessin a guy because girls don't usually get THAT depressed xD. a guy..writing about how all the guys and girls of his age have found love and know the meaning of it, but he can't or hasn't. and blah blah blah. then we had lunch with Per. it was okay. Lauren thinks he's super funny. I don't think he's super but i think he's funny. And yeah...saw the fall out boys of course. we had a few laughs while having lunch..monday, so no big deal. then we went down to the library. got on the computers for a while. and then had biology so we went back to the main building to get our books and stuff. normal. then biology comes and we get some little pieces of papers that we had to work on. my label said "flatworms", lauren's said "somethinglids" and jenny's "chordates"(lucky bitch). jenny and lauren exchanged because lauren is absolutely terrified of worms. i'm not so..i couldn't handle ito.o. then we had history...
since we had the long period, i thought hmm, maybe i should buy something to eat while i read. so..i bought a chocolate ball..and a powerking. after i finished those, i thought hmm...maybe i should get something ELSE to eat while i read...so i bought the same..it was enough, let me tell you, to speed my heart up. i was...well..all over the place in no time. and i had only had two cans of energy drink. i blame it on..the big amount of days where i havent touched enery drinks. i was laughing, i was making stupid jokes like..umm..Neil Armstrong being high on the moon while placing the american flag..and..was about to tell em another one about a potato, but lauren had heard it. then SHE made two hilarious jokes (originally..they wouldn't have been THAT funny to me if i was OKAY..but i wasnt...). it was fun. then..i dont really remember what we were doing, but i was singing and trying to read..and jenny was thinking..and mary was reading..and lauren was reading too while listening to music...we were all somewhere else, ya know? and then someone said "class is over" and we packed our stuff.
ze end

Ahem...

update...

umm..let's see.

ya know what..I'll just paste the whole thing and get over with it.

here ya go.

actually...nevermind. what i posted in myspace should not be pasted again. no use. so...updates. it is...Monday today, right? yes. I had a quiet sunday as some of you may have heard. At least John has heard, he's the only one I remember talking to and he probably was the only one. I remember the conversation perfectly well but...that's why they call it PM boxes, right?

So anyway. Spent the evening with grandma and cousins. Joseph was staring at me (lovely moment that, truthfully speaking, I would have paid to witness) and Alexandra (cousin, not self centered "bitch" aka real mother). Louis was wondering around with lil bro and Harry and Hannah were...well, let's just say I didn't want to know what they were up to. Although Hannah was probably just showing him pictures and stuff. right?...RIGHT?

*sigh*...well..there's not much to tell really. I have been feeling rather..okay. i watched this tv series this afternoon, "Lost". heh. let me tell ya, a little concussion can make me laugh about anything. Especially some american saying "Right on" to a guy from Ontario, Canada. Canada...funny thing...oh well.

I cannot wait to go back home. I just can't. i need to see my apartment, and lay down on my bed. and oh my god, water my plant O_o...uh oh.

I really hope this new coming semester is better than the last. And I sure as hell hope Lauren and I stop having fights as often as we used to. but let's face it, i'm exaggerating...every now and then we would unleash our demons. but not big ones, eh. mark my words, we have never called each other "bitch" and actually meant it. :)

"slut" maybe...but only as a joke

meow...i just spoke to jesse...we haven't talked in AGES, him and I. but you know...soul mates as we are (the wild and the savage) we keep in touch. mhm. he's been busy with the whole moving phase not to mention a place full of old memories.

eh..well...jerm is having a tough time waking up early in the morning..sounds familiar.

and uh...yeah..warm and fuzzy inside yo.

later

Uuuupdate.

You know what a hang over feels like?

You know how BAD it can suck when you walk in on your boyfriend/girlfriend "kissing" someone?

You know how every single thing goes wrong in ONE day?

Well, here's MY version of all that put together.

It was Friday. Friday, December 16th, 5:05pm. I was about to take my bus home, I come up to the driver and give him what is supposed to be my bus ticket. BUT. one flaw. The bus ticket that I had in my hand was already used. I missplaced the most recent ticket I bought for 169kr with the already used ticket. SO, the new ticket was lying IN my apartment. oh joy. I get off the bus because, duh, I can't get on without paying, call my dad so that my account can be filled with more money and I can buy a new ticket. but no. he took forever to call me back and say it was done. so the bus was already gone. oh yess. Then, he asked me to go to the train station and catch the 6:13 bus. BUT, it took me just as long to call me and say he couldn't find the codes. SO, i took the 7:45pm bus, which had 3 stops in 3 different cities. cool, eh? yeah..terrific..

I got home at midnight. yes, midnight. and had to pack my bags and stuff for like 15 mins and then passed out. Next day, we leave the house at 9am. took 3 hours to get to Stockholm. this wasn't the worst part though. mom and dad had to take an earlier flight (13:10), but the rest of us had to take the 18:40 flight. so yeaj, we had to wait 6 and 40 mins. WRONG. OUR flight was delayed-_-. eventually we got to Frankfurt, where we were supposed to wait for only one hour, but oh yes, mommy and daddy were waiting for us there and cancelled OUR flight to stay in Frankfurt for one day. everybody cried. lil bro cried. i cried. harry and hannah cried (for WAY different reasons>.>). it was horrible. but uh..the hotel wasn't so bad. we stayed there for free you know. it was alright i guess. but i was still mad at them. although i got to talk to lauren, and sara for a short while, will was out hunting? yuck. oh well. and alexia = no answer. so yeah. Next morning. we leave kinda early. take some flight, get here at...10:30pm or something and bam. i call lauren once more to see what shes up to and realized that she was biking. poor thing. but yeah. it was horrible. and last night.ohhh last night. dinner at T.G.I. Friday's. it was great.

Today. Shopping. NO ONE wants to go shopping with my mother, trust me. I'd rather stay here watching TV (they got warner channel and sony entertainment television, my two favorite channels that we do not have in sweden FUCK YEAH!) and enjoy. my aunt's rich (like everybody else in my family) so you can imagine her tv room. flat screen tv with 4 huge speakers front and back, dvd player the latest, vhs in case, ps1&2, game cube, x-box and LIGHTSssss. cha cha cha charming.

about home..there's only a few things i miss. Lauren, for one. I haven't laughed LAUGHED since i left-_-. I love that kid a whole lot. and I cannot wait to see her.

Then there's my guitar, my apartment, my bed.

I cannot say I don't miss John, because I would be lieing. but apparently, he doesn't want squad to do with me.

umm...brb

Edit>> Annnnnd that's a wrap

doodles

ps: lunch was great.